My sister-in-law informed me last night that in the past few years there have been times that I have come off as callous, cold, and unkind toward her and a few of my in-laws. It's interesting that those are the same feelings I was getting from those in-laws a lot of the time.
Perhaps if I was more open about my problems this wouldn't happen, but quite frankly I don't really trust my in-laws (or certain extended family for that matter) to be understanding about the things I've gone through without being judgmental and gossiping due to their ignorance of the subject matter.
As it is, the sister in-law who informed me of my apparent behavior is one whom I really did feel like I related to, someone I trusted more than most people. To hear her perspective of my distant and impolite manner completely threw me for a loop. I felt like someone had ripped a band-aid from my skin, leaving nothing but raw vulnerability.
I didn't know I was damaging the relationships with my husband's family; all I knew was that every time I came to a family gathering, and I was having a hard time for one reason or another, that I felt isolated in a sea of Justin's family and their television watching, tablets, phones, and busy work in the kitchen. I especially avoided the tv area on Sundays, because what I deemed Sabbath Day Appropriate was different than what everyone else there thought.
Maybe I should try harder to talk to people, or maybe I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to really care right now.
I'm due in 2.5 weeks, and everything is pain, but I should be used to that by now.
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Here are my notes from R.S. today that I don't want to forget:
Epiphany
Jesus is the Son, because he is Heavenly Father's begotten son, and he is our brother.
Jesus is the Father, not because he is Heavenly Father (because he's not), but because we take His name upon us when we are baptized and when we live righteously.
Therefore, Jesus is the Father and the Son, but Heavenly Father and Jesus are separate entities.
I guess I never really understood that until today.
Growing up, people would always tell me to smile. At the moment they'd say that, I'd think of my expressions and have since realized that my natural expression, when I'm not even thinking, appears to be a grimace. That's probably why I'm not very approachable. I have to force myself to un-wrinkle my forehead, and smile with my eyes and mouth to appear friendly. It's probably not exactly what you're explaining, but it reminded me... On a side note, we are pretty independent as Widemans. I catch myself thinking I don't need to open up to anyone because I don't really need them. I don't trust people and I'm perfectly fine with this. Somehow I don't think it's good for me though...
ReplyDeleteSo, maybe because my kids are non-stop singing the Frozen soundtrack lately, but the first thing I thought of after reading your post was the lyrics for "Let It Go" followed closely by "Do You Want to Build a Snowman". Although the 2nd one has nothing to do with you post, I just really like it. ;). Love you!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/idinamenzel/letitgo.html
One person's opinion does not a consensus make. As well meaning as they might be, their perspective may not be everyone else's perspective. Also, when you are true to yourself and the Lord, those who matter most will love you or come to love you. I already think you're pretty special, but I may be the tiniest bit biased. Good thought about Jesus. Love you.
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