My sister-in-law informed me last night that in the past few years there have been times that I have come off as callous, cold, and unkind toward her and a few of my in-laws. It's interesting that those are the same feelings I was getting from those in-laws a lot of the time.
Perhaps if I was more open about my problems this wouldn't happen, but quite frankly I don't really trust my in-laws (or certain extended family for that matter) to be understanding about the things I've gone through without being judgmental and gossiping due to their ignorance of the subject matter.
As it is, the sister in-law who informed me of my apparent behavior is one whom I really did feel like I related to, someone I trusted more than most people. To hear her perspective of my distant and impolite manner completely threw me for a loop. I felt like someone had ripped a band-aid from my skin, leaving nothing but raw vulnerability.
I didn't know I was damaging the relationships with my husband's family; all I knew was that every time I came to a family gathering, and I was having a hard time for one reason or another, that I felt isolated in a sea of Justin's family and their television watching, tablets, phones, and busy work in the kitchen. I especially avoided the tv area on Sundays, because what I deemed Sabbath Day Appropriate was different than what everyone else there thought.
Maybe I should try harder to talk to people, or maybe I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to really care right now.
I'm due in 2.5 weeks, and everything is pain, but I should be used to that by now.
---
Here are my notes from R.S. today that I don't want to forget:
Epiphany
Jesus is the Son, because he is Heavenly Father's begotten son, and he is our brother.
Jesus is the Father, not because he is Heavenly Father (because he's not), but because we take His name upon us when we are baptized and when we live righteously.
Therefore, Jesus is the Father and the Son, but Heavenly Father and Jesus are separate entities.
I guess I never really understood that until today.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 so far, mostly a rant
First of all, lots of great and/or memorable things happened in the last couple months that I really wanted to blog about, but I can't remember any of it. Sorry. Life has been exhausting.
I was up sick most of the night. If I go more than 30 seconds without a cough drop in my mouth I cough so hard that I pull a muscle across my uterus/belly. It hurt so badly at one point that I thought I was in danger of miscarrying.
I got so flustered today that I threw my phone at the wall, because I was getting frustrated, stressed, over emotional, and felt like the person on the other end wasn't hearing what I was trying to say.
Hannah's sick, Abigail's sick, Justin's getting sick. I had chicken noodle soup for dinner and have been in pain the whole day.
Oh, and every time I cough hard I accidentally pee, and then I change my pad, and not 5 minutes later I have another cough attack.
And I'm worried about Hannah. Two nights ago she woke up between midnight and 1 a.m. shrieking and kicking the bed and spasming. When Justin was holding her she was shaking saying "I can't stop moving" over and over. No fever or anything, but she ripped off her clothes saying he was too hot, then she said she was freezing, then she said she was itchy. All the while she was flopping around spasming and kicking. Finally we carried her to our bed (still no shirt or pants on), and I gave her some childrens Claritin. Then I started scratching her back for 5 or 10 minutes. She seemed to doze off for a few minutes; then she opened her eyes, totally calm and at peace and said, "Mommy? Can I have clothes on now?" The whole episode was probably 30 minutes.
Nothing last night, thank goodness. The girls slept right through the fireworks and everything.
On a high note I finished the Book of Mormon on New Years Eve (yes, I planned it that way), and guess what, it's still unmistakeably true! w00t.
I don't usually like to complain in writing like this, because it gets old fast to those reading, but I needed to vent. Today was probably the worst New Years Day ever. I'm so sick of being sick, pregnant, over-emotional, and stressed that the underwriting for our VA loan is taking forever. I feel bad about it, but ultimately everything going wrong has been out of our control, so...whatever. At least we'll be moved before April, the month Linda felt like we should be out by originally.
This meme helped...a bit:
It wasn't entirely helpful when I realized that my trials today have left me too tired, too exhausted, and too ill to be able to just up and move on, but it's a start.
I was up sick most of the night. If I go more than 30 seconds without a cough drop in my mouth I cough so hard that I pull a muscle across my uterus/belly. It hurt so badly at one point that I thought I was in danger of miscarrying.
I got so flustered today that I threw my phone at the wall, because I was getting frustrated, stressed, over emotional, and felt like the person on the other end wasn't hearing what I was trying to say.
Hannah's sick, Abigail's sick, Justin's getting sick. I had chicken noodle soup for dinner and have been in pain the whole day.
Oh, and every time I cough hard I accidentally pee, and then I change my pad, and not 5 minutes later I have another cough attack.
And I'm worried about Hannah. Two nights ago she woke up between midnight and 1 a.m. shrieking and kicking the bed and spasming. When Justin was holding her she was shaking saying "I can't stop moving" over and over. No fever or anything, but she ripped off her clothes saying he was too hot, then she said she was freezing, then she said she was itchy. All the while she was flopping around spasming and kicking. Finally we carried her to our bed (still no shirt or pants on), and I gave her some childrens Claritin. Then I started scratching her back for 5 or 10 minutes. She seemed to doze off for a few minutes; then she opened her eyes, totally calm and at peace and said, "Mommy? Can I have clothes on now?" The whole episode was probably 30 minutes.
Nothing last night, thank goodness. The girls slept right through the fireworks and everything.
On a high note I finished the Book of Mormon on New Years Eve (yes, I planned it that way), and guess what, it's still unmistakeably true! w00t.
I don't usually like to complain in writing like this, because it gets old fast to those reading, but I needed to vent. Today was probably the worst New Years Day ever. I'm so sick of being sick, pregnant, over-emotional, and stressed that the underwriting for our VA loan is taking forever. I feel bad about it, but ultimately everything going wrong has been out of our control, so...whatever. At least we'll be moved before April, the month Linda felt like we should be out by originally.
This meme helped...a bit:
It wasn't entirely helpful when I realized that my trials today have left me too tired, too exhausted, and too ill to be able to just up and move on, but it's a start.
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