A few weeks ago I went to go see the bishop. I had been meeting with him weekly-ish for the past several months to resolve a personal matter. A matter of repentance. While my testimony remained sure, my heart had been hardened, and I had to chip away at it with the Lord's help, until all that was left was the truth - raw as it felt at the time.
As I met with the bishop that day, I was in the Lord's hands. I felt humbled to the dust. I did not know what more I needed to do, but I would do it. I knew it may not be easy, but I knew it would be worth it.
Toward the end of our meeting, after pouring my heart out and promising to do anything else the Lord required, the bishop said I was ready to move forward. I didn't anticipate feeling so emotional about it, but it was all I could do to not fall to "prostrate myself" on the church carpet and praise the Lord. I sobbed and keeled over. I could feel the Lord's mercy pouring over me like a waterfall. Like a baptism of pure love.
As soon as I had calmed down enough to speak, I asked when I could renew my temple recommend. And he said, "how about right now?" The joy that infused my soul as I answered each question, sure and certain for the first time in over a year that I was worthy and trying my best, brought me to tears once again.
After the meeting was over and I began to drive home, I imagined myself running on a path and remembered a dream I'd once had. It took me a few days, but I finally found it amongst the xml files I had kept from my old xanga account.
July 9th, 2011
I had the most interesting dream this morning. Dad, Kevin, and I were running through a forest. We had started off with a few of our acquaintances, but it wasn't long until it was just the three of us. It was a long journey and the trails were hard to see at times. Lush trees sometimes surrounded us, and sometimes we ran through fields over hills, small cliff-like jumps, and sandy or marshy plains. After some time running we came to a less dense forest with a few gullies with a sandy creek on one side. I saw a jump over a narrow part of the gully that led to another path, but it looked scary, and I was hesitant to take the path. I kept running a few feet with Dad and Kevin, but Dad stopped and turned around, telling me that I had to take that path. I told him I wanted to take the path that he and Kevin were taking, but he told me that my journey went down a different path, but they led to the same place.
I said goodbye, and they went on as I stood for a moment between the paths, the creek, and the sandy lake behind me. Courage began to swell within me as I remembered why we were on this long journey, and I hopped the small ditch onto the new path. I ran down the path with bare feet. My clothes were light and I couldn't even feel them, but I wore a light skirt that moved with the wind as I ran, and I remember thinking that I had never felt so free in my life. I continued to run, and I knew that my path would not lead me astray if I kept to it. I had looked to the forest twice, but I had no desire to explore the woods and kept running on my path.
Before long I began to see the entrance of a building. I passed a smoky colored cat that looked like it had never been so bitter when it saw me, but I paid it no heed and ran past it. Joy swelled in my heart, because this is why we had journeyed so long. Standing higher and brighter than all the trees stood the temple. I entered it's white front doors and looked around not knowing which doors to open or where I was allowed, but my dad appeared by my side, and Kevin did soon after, and we went through the two wooden doors I'd been facing together. This is where the best part comes in. Mom had started the journey with us, but for some reason she'd left, and I thought about her many times while running. When we entered the doors I saw Mom robed in white waiting for us, and I felt as though the happiness was flowing through my very veins, and my joy was full. The temple was filled with older people, and I'm fairly certain our other siblings were there too, but they were in other rooms. I had no fear or sorrow for them or for myself but a peace that permeated my entire being. It was amazing!
There's a bit more to the dream that I might be leaving out, but I am sure it's the coolest dream I've had in a long time.
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Almost 10 years ago I had that dream. And only now do I realize what it meant.
I don't know what dad and Kevin's path was, but mine, it was a path to repentance. A path that took months for my heart to fully soften and realize that true joy cannot be of my own making. It's through the path that leads to the temples of God.
And as for the parts with Mom, I hadn't known what it meant all those years ago. Did it mean she would die before us? That especially plagued my mind when she was in the hospital a few years ago. Only now after all these years do I know that she was waiting for us to join her. I would not be where I am today without her spiritual fortitude. She was so in tune and knew exactly what I needed to hear to get me started on the path in the first place, and I owe her everything.
"yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them."
Thank you, mom. Thank you for leading the way and helping me take the difficult path. And thank God that I was able to take it. I will try my best to stay on that path for all of my days.
Hebrews 12:11-13
11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.
12 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;
13 And make straight paths...
