Justin's grandfather passed away unexpectedly this morning, and it hit me really hard. I can't help but feel selfishly devastated at his passing. I connected well with him, and I loved to just sit on his porch swing and chat during a warm summer afternoon. Reflecting on this loss as well as mine and Justin's other grandparents who have passed has left an almost palpable hollow in my heart. This, along with the week-long loss of my cell phone, has prompted me to return to the blog.
I spent the morning catching up on 16 months of unread entries on Dad's blog. I noticed that my name was the first word in a few of the posts, and it made me smile. I skimmed through each page, reading every post that mentioned the keywords: "Cheryl", "dream", "funny", "odd", and any others that stuck out to me. I must be incredibly self-absorbed to only look for my name, but there it is...
The plans to elaborate this past year may have to be cut short due to my prolonged food poisoning. It's been 3 days now. Every time I start to feel better I decide to finally eat something, but then my insides bobble around like the numbers in the powerball lottery.
So to cut this short, I'll close my eyes and type as fast as I can. Actually closing my eyes just helped a ton.
I'm keeping my eyes closed. If there are any advantages to food poisoning after a baby has turned one it sure is making weaning easier... I'm at least grateful that this didn't happen when Lydia was younger.
In other news I'm still working on my writing. I'm also researching a lot when I have spare time to make the story more believable. I'm such a perfectionist about it that it's actually holding me back from just writing it all out. Instead I started with an outline, and I keep adding to the outline, and adding to the outline, and so on, adding in actual dialogue when I feel that all the details have been set in stone. We'll see if it ever reaches fruition.
I've had several anxiety attacks lately. I'm not sure how to describe them. I don't even have to feel stressed out. One child will start talking to me, then another will try doing something at the same time, then a dog will start barking outside, or Lydia will start crying, or I'll just see how horribly messy a room is, and suddenly I can't process anything in my brain. I can't speak without stuttering. I can't breathe. I can't think. It's complete and utter sensory overload, and it feels as though my brain is glitching like a broken computer.
So that's been fun...
Justin's been great with everything. I think he's figuring out how to help when it happens, and he's been really supportive. It's happened a church a few times. That was NOT fun. The bishop has checked up on me a few times since then.
Hannah's doing really well in math and spelling at school. I love talking to her. She's starting to get old enough where I can have some great, in-depth conversations with her, but I worry about her self-esteem. Dad gave me some keen observations over Christmas break on how I can be less critical of my children at specific times, and I'm working on it. I just wanted my kids to be self-aware and conscious of social norms and societal propriety (since I was a collar-chewing, knee drooling, boy tackling, loud speaking mess in elementary school), but in doing so I sometimes fail to voice how absolutely proud of my children I am. I love them so much, and they have so much imagination and love and wonder. Abigail is great at the whole propriety thing. I just get too nit-picky about her speech, and I think it's exacerbated her shyness. I'm trying to be more positive though, and so far I've seen a difference in their confidence.
I'm glad Dad told me about it, just like I'm glad he and Susan told me several years ago that I nagged Justin too much. Any sting I feel in the critique is nothing compared to the pain I'd feel sooner or later from having handicapping the relationship between myself and my children or husband.
Lydia started walking at 10 1/2 months, and she gets into many, many things. It's difficult to believe she's over a year old now. I'm trying to decide when to take classes at BYU. I kind of wanted to wait until Abigail was in the 1st grade, but 3 separate people counseled me recently to return to school, so I'm wondering if I should go back sooner. I'll have to pray about it.
Well, hopefully I'll find my phone, catch up on everyone else's blog, and get over this Food Poisoning soon. w00t.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
How the Ordain Women movement helped me understand the truth about Gay Marriage
I've struggled a lot throughout the past several months with my thoughts about gay marriage. I've brought up as much with my husband and other really close confidants, and no one ever was able to help me definitively understand why gay marriage was so wrong.
My confusion stemmed from the following factors:
1. If God is a loving God (Which I absolutely know he is), why isn't it okay for people who have fallen in love with people of the same gender to have a relationship?
I've seen same-gender relationships that truly seem to be genuine, affectionate, loving relationships, and I couldn't wrap my mind around why that was wrong, so I prayed and tried to work that out in my mind. The closest thought I could get (at first) was simple logic. God made man and woman to physically fit together. Kind of like a puzzle piece. I know that's crude logic, but there it is.
Well, that led me to more conflicting thoughts:
2. Why did God make man and woman like that? Why is it so important to His plan that Man and Woman have to be together?
To this I could not get a satisfying answer. For a long time.
Whilst continually praying I received a semi-resolution the past couple of weeks that almost pacified my contention with my first problem.
God's love is not the same as the endearing affection we experience as mere couples. God's love is charity, a higher love that is completely and absolutely unselfish and always focused on Heaven.
That made me feel a little better, but I still felt discontent about my second question.
So a few months have gone by, and I kept hearing all of this stuff about the "Ordain Women" movement. These feminist misunderstandings have not bothered me at all. I have a very clear understanding that men and women are meant to do different things in terms of spiritual roles, but it wasn't until Justin and I were discussing the lady who got excommunicated that I realized how spectral my understanding truly was.
We were bantering back and forth of the same side of the argument, and Justin said (I'm paraphrasing),
"A lot of these people have such a one-sided focus about equality. They feel like being granted the priesthood is this one pinnacle right that will grant them ultimate equality."
We'd been going back and forth for a few minutes, and I just spouted off:
"I don't understand why women feel like that would make them equal. Man and woman were made differently for a purpose. They have different callings in life, and it's only together that they can actually be one and achieve that equality."
Not even one second after I said those words I felt completely overwhelmed by the spirit. I feel overwhelmed right now typing it out. As soon as I said those words I felt a powerful confirmation that it was the very reason Gay Marriage could never be a part of God's plan.
Man and Woman are different. We possess innate spiritual qualities that the other gender is not as easily predisposed to. Only together, through Christ can we work with those distinct differences to attain salvation.
I don't even know if I can type out the way I feel adequately.
All I know is that I now have a powerful understanding in my heart that Gay Marriage will never bring someone close enough to Christ to satisfy the plan our Divine Creator made for us to get back to heaven.
My confusion stemmed from the following factors:
1. If God is a loving God (Which I absolutely know he is), why isn't it okay for people who have fallen in love with people of the same gender to have a relationship?
I've seen same-gender relationships that truly seem to be genuine, affectionate, loving relationships, and I couldn't wrap my mind around why that was wrong, so I prayed and tried to work that out in my mind. The closest thought I could get (at first) was simple logic. God made man and woman to physically fit together. Kind of like a puzzle piece. I know that's crude logic, but there it is.
Well, that led me to more conflicting thoughts:
2. Why did God make man and woman like that? Why is it so important to His plan that Man and Woman have to be together?
To this I could not get a satisfying answer. For a long time.
Whilst continually praying I received a semi-resolution the past couple of weeks that almost pacified my contention with my first problem.
God's love is not the same as the endearing affection we experience as mere couples. God's love is charity, a higher love that is completely and absolutely unselfish and always focused on Heaven.
That made me feel a little better, but I still felt discontent about my second question.
So a few months have gone by, and I kept hearing all of this stuff about the "Ordain Women" movement. These feminist misunderstandings have not bothered me at all. I have a very clear understanding that men and women are meant to do different things in terms of spiritual roles, but it wasn't until Justin and I were discussing the lady who got excommunicated that I realized how spectral my understanding truly was.
We were bantering back and forth of the same side of the argument, and Justin said (I'm paraphrasing),
"A lot of these people have such a one-sided focus about equality. They feel like being granted the priesthood is this one pinnacle right that will grant them ultimate equality."
We'd been going back and forth for a few minutes, and I just spouted off:
"I don't understand why women feel like that would make them equal. Man and woman were made differently for a purpose. They have different callings in life, and it's only together that they can actually be one and achieve that equality."
Not even one second after I said those words I felt completely overwhelmed by the spirit. I feel overwhelmed right now typing it out. As soon as I said those words I felt a powerful confirmation that it was the very reason Gay Marriage could never be a part of God's plan.
Man and Woman are different. We possess innate spiritual qualities that the other gender is not as easily predisposed to. Only together, through Christ can we work with those distinct differences to attain salvation.
I don't even know if I can type out the way I feel adequately.
All I know is that I now have a powerful understanding in my heart that Gay Marriage will never bring someone close enough to Christ to satisfy the plan our Divine Creator made for us to get back to heaven.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Feelings and stuff
My sister-in-law informed me last night that in the past few years there have been times that I have come off as callous, cold, and unkind toward her and a few of my in-laws. It's interesting that those are the same feelings I was getting from those in-laws a lot of the time.
Perhaps if I was more open about my problems this wouldn't happen, but quite frankly I don't really trust my in-laws (or certain extended family for that matter) to be understanding about the things I've gone through without being judgmental and gossiping due to their ignorance of the subject matter.
As it is, the sister in-law who informed me of my apparent behavior is one whom I really did feel like I related to, someone I trusted more than most people. To hear her perspective of my distant and impolite manner completely threw me for a loop. I felt like someone had ripped a band-aid from my skin, leaving nothing but raw vulnerability.
I didn't know I was damaging the relationships with my husband's family; all I knew was that every time I came to a family gathering, and I was having a hard time for one reason or another, that I felt isolated in a sea of Justin's family and their television watching, tablets, phones, and busy work in the kitchen. I especially avoided the tv area on Sundays, because what I deemed Sabbath Day Appropriate was different than what everyone else there thought.
Maybe I should try harder to talk to people, or maybe I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to really care right now.
I'm due in 2.5 weeks, and everything is pain, but I should be used to that by now.
---
Here are my notes from R.S. today that I don't want to forget:
Epiphany
Jesus is the Son, because he is Heavenly Father's begotten son, and he is our brother.
Jesus is the Father, not because he is Heavenly Father (because he's not), but because we take His name upon us when we are baptized and when we live righteously.
Therefore, Jesus is the Father and the Son, but Heavenly Father and Jesus are separate entities.
I guess I never really understood that until today.
Perhaps if I was more open about my problems this wouldn't happen, but quite frankly I don't really trust my in-laws (or certain extended family for that matter) to be understanding about the things I've gone through without being judgmental and gossiping due to their ignorance of the subject matter.
As it is, the sister in-law who informed me of my apparent behavior is one whom I really did feel like I related to, someone I trusted more than most people. To hear her perspective of my distant and impolite manner completely threw me for a loop. I felt like someone had ripped a band-aid from my skin, leaving nothing but raw vulnerability.
I didn't know I was damaging the relationships with my husband's family; all I knew was that every time I came to a family gathering, and I was having a hard time for one reason or another, that I felt isolated in a sea of Justin's family and their television watching, tablets, phones, and busy work in the kitchen. I especially avoided the tv area on Sundays, because what I deemed Sabbath Day Appropriate was different than what everyone else there thought.
Maybe I should try harder to talk to people, or maybe I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to really care right now.
I'm due in 2.5 weeks, and everything is pain, but I should be used to that by now.
---
Here are my notes from R.S. today that I don't want to forget:
Epiphany
Jesus is the Son, because he is Heavenly Father's begotten son, and he is our brother.
Jesus is the Father, not because he is Heavenly Father (because he's not), but because we take His name upon us when we are baptized and when we live righteously.
Therefore, Jesus is the Father and the Son, but Heavenly Father and Jesus are separate entities.
I guess I never really understood that until today.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 so far, mostly a rant
First of all, lots of great and/or memorable things happened in the last couple months that I really wanted to blog about, but I can't remember any of it. Sorry. Life has been exhausting.
I was up sick most of the night. If I go more than 30 seconds without a cough drop in my mouth I cough so hard that I pull a muscle across my uterus/belly. It hurt so badly at one point that I thought I was in danger of miscarrying.
I got so flustered today that I threw my phone at the wall, because I was getting frustrated, stressed, over emotional, and felt like the person on the other end wasn't hearing what I was trying to say.
Hannah's sick, Abigail's sick, Justin's getting sick. I had chicken noodle soup for dinner and have been in pain the whole day.
Oh, and every time I cough hard I accidentally pee, and then I change my pad, and not 5 minutes later I have another cough attack.
And I'm worried about Hannah. Two nights ago she woke up between midnight and 1 a.m. shrieking and kicking the bed and spasming. When Justin was holding her she was shaking saying "I can't stop moving" over and over. No fever or anything, but she ripped off her clothes saying he was too hot, then she said she was freezing, then she said she was itchy. All the while she was flopping around spasming and kicking. Finally we carried her to our bed (still no shirt or pants on), and I gave her some childrens Claritin. Then I started scratching her back for 5 or 10 minutes. She seemed to doze off for a few minutes; then she opened her eyes, totally calm and at peace and said, "Mommy? Can I have clothes on now?" The whole episode was probably 30 minutes.
Nothing last night, thank goodness. The girls slept right through the fireworks and everything.
On a high note I finished the Book of Mormon on New Years Eve (yes, I planned it that way), and guess what, it's still unmistakeably true! w00t.
I don't usually like to complain in writing like this, because it gets old fast to those reading, but I needed to vent. Today was probably the worst New Years Day ever. I'm so sick of being sick, pregnant, over-emotional, and stressed that the underwriting for our VA loan is taking forever. I feel bad about it, but ultimately everything going wrong has been out of our control, so...whatever. At least we'll be moved before April, the month Linda felt like we should be out by originally.
This meme helped...a bit:
It wasn't entirely helpful when I realized that my trials today have left me too tired, too exhausted, and too ill to be able to just up and move on, but it's a start.
I was up sick most of the night. If I go more than 30 seconds without a cough drop in my mouth I cough so hard that I pull a muscle across my uterus/belly. It hurt so badly at one point that I thought I was in danger of miscarrying.
I got so flustered today that I threw my phone at the wall, because I was getting frustrated, stressed, over emotional, and felt like the person on the other end wasn't hearing what I was trying to say.
Hannah's sick, Abigail's sick, Justin's getting sick. I had chicken noodle soup for dinner and have been in pain the whole day.
Oh, and every time I cough hard I accidentally pee, and then I change my pad, and not 5 minutes later I have another cough attack.
And I'm worried about Hannah. Two nights ago she woke up between midnight and 1 a.m. shrieking and kicking the bed and spasming. When Justin was holding her she was shaking saying "I can't stop moving" over and over. No fever or anything, but she ripped off her clothes saying he was too hot, then she said she was freezing, then she said she was itchy. All the while she was flopping around spasming and kicking. Finally we carried her to our bed (still no shirt or pants on), and I gave her some childrens Claritin. Then I started scratching her back for 5 or 10 minutes. She seemed to doze off for a few minutes; then she opened her eyes, totally calm and at peace and said, "Mommy? Can I have clothes on now?" The whole episode was probably 30 minutes.
Nothing last night, thank goodness. The girls slept right through the fireworks and everything.
On a high note I finished the Book of Mormon on New Years Eve (yes, I planned it that way), and guess what, it's still unmistakeably true! w00t.
I don't usually like to complain in writing like this, because it gets old fast to those reading, but I needed to vent. Today was probably the worst New Years Day ever. I'm so sick of being sick, pregnant, over-emotional, and stressed that the underwriting for our VA loan is taking forever. I feel bad about it, but ultimately everything going wrong has been out of our control, so...whatever. At least we'll be moved before April, the month Linda felt like we should be out by originally.
This meme helped...a bit:
It wasn't entirely helpful when I realized that my trials today have left me too tired, too exhausted, and too ill to be able to just up and move on, but it's a start.
Monday, October 28, 2013
So... that humanely raised animal diet didn't last long. Probably because I forgot about it. It still makes me sad that animals raised for human consumption are treated so poorly though.
I've been having trouble breathing when I lay down, and my legs feel like they keep dislocating. I think the breathing trouble is because the baby keeps stretching toward my lungs and ribs. She pressed so hard in to my back left rib yesterday morning that I started screaming. The girl's ran in and started yelling at my back, "Lydia, stop making mommy hurt!". (Side note - Did I mention we're naming the baby Lydia Rose? It's an interesting little story for another day.) After the girls had satisfied themselves yelling at my ribs Abigail took my face in her hands and demanded that she blow in my mouth. It was weird, but she blew at my nose and lips and grinned, "It's okay now, Mommy; I blew the baby down."
Hannah had a shadow show in Kindergarten on Friday and the Primary Program on Sunday, doing great in both. We're all excited about Halloween. I was going to be a Minecraft Creeper, but after working on Will's Enderman mask (also Minecraft), dealing with 6 black widows near Abigail's bed , and the basement partially flooding due to clogged sewage drains, I've resigned myself to not getting my costume done for the 2nd year in a row. You'd never guess Halloween is my favorite holiday, but someday I'll be able to get my awesome ideas into fruition.
Things are going okay. I'm worried about a lot of stuff, but I'm managing all right. w00t.
I've been having trouble breathing when I lay down, and my legs feel like they keep dislocating. I think the breathing trouble is because the baby keeps stretching toward my lungs and ribs. She pressed so hard in to my back left rib yesterday morning that I started screaming. The girl's ran in and started yelling at my back, "Lydia, stop making mommy hurt!". (Side note - Did I mention we're naming the baby Lydia Rose? It's an interesting little story for another day.) After the girls had satisfied themselves yelling at my ribs Abigail took my face in her hands and demanded that she blow in my mouth. It was weird, but she blew at my nose and lips and grinned, "It's okay now, Mommy; I blew the baby down."
Hannah had a shadow show in Kindergarten on Friday and the Primary Program on Sunday, doing great in both. We're all excited about Halloween. I was going to be a Minecraft Creeper, but after working on Will's Enderman mask (also Minecraft), dealing with 6 black widows near Abigail's bed , and the basement partially flooding due to clogged sewage drains, I've resigned myself to not getting my costume done for the 2nd year in a row. You'd never guess Halloween is my favorite holiday, but someday I'll be able to get my awesome ideas into fruition.
Things are going okay. I'm worried about a lot of stuff, but I'm managing all right. w00t.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
One year older and wiser too
I haven't blogged or read anyone's blogs in a while, but things have been going pretty well. We've all gotten sick at least once since fall started, but we've still been very blessed.
The kids were sick during my birthday, so we didn't do anything as planned, but it was still good.
Not much going on except I've sworn off factory raised pork, beef, and chicken for a while. I watched a short video that made me cry, and would like to stick with humanely raised animals for now. I had some tofu for dinner last night, but it wasn't prepared the way I like. However, the leftovers marinated all night in curry, and now it is delicious. My love of tofu is something Justin will probably never agree with... lol.
Now I need to ask a question. How do you guys get your picky eaters to eat fruits and vegetables? I'm currently failing dismally with both girls and need all possible suggestions.
The kids were sick during my birthday, so we didn't do anything as planned, but it was still good.
Not much going on except I've sworn off factory raised pork, beef, and chicken for a while. I watched a short video that made me cry, and would like to stick with humanely raised animals for now. I had some tofu for dinner last night, but it wasn't prepared the way I like. However, the leftovers marinated all night in curry, and now it is delicious. My love of tofu is something Justin will probably never agree with... lol.
Now I need to ask a question. How do you guys get your picky eaters to eat fruits and vegetables? I'm currently failing dismally with both girls and need all possible suggestions.
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